Thursday, July 13, 2006

Hippies Smell and Don't Shave

So there I was, no poo poo, (I totally ripped this off from DPT, but I felt like I could use it since I've been such a road warrior these last three weeks) in my seat, on the plane waiting for all the cattle to sit down in their seats so we could take off. I say cattle because I was flying on Southwest. The cattle flying company, at least that is what I feel like everytime I board one of their planes! So I am sitting their trying to expand out as much as possible and look as mean as possible so that no one will sit with me! As I look around at the people, scouting for what I consider could be terrorist. Anybody that doesn't look like an American gets the stinky eye from me! I'm already picking out targets before we even leave the gate. Okay, that guy might be one. If he even looks funny or if his eyes start to roll back into his head, I'm going to hit him so hard he will call me Allah and ask about his virgins! Because he is going to think he is dead!

I look to my right across the isle from me and low and behold there sits I think, a woman of the night. At least that is what she looked like. Her bosom was about to fall out of this dress that looked 2 sizes too small, and she was sitting with this guy that had to be paying for it. Short fat and balding (no offense Detective }:) Heh heh! And this guy just keeps staring at her breasts. It was like the flight attendant walks up and asks him, "would you like something to drink?" With out his eyes leaving the breasts he says, "yeah can I have some milk, I mean, coke" Moron!

But it turns out Southwest has overbooked the flight! Imagine that! So what do I behold walking down the isle toward me but, Pippi Longstocking! That's right a red haired hippie with clothes that are just tattered to no end and look soo dirty! She is carrying a front tire and wheel to a bike as her carry-on luggage. She promptly puts her bike tire in the overhead compartment and says to me, "is that seat taken?" I said, "No, but you have to have deodorant on to sit in that seat" Not really, I didn't say that, I just wanted to! So since the flight attendant makes me get up and let her in, I stand up and as she pushes by I almost faint! And that takes a lot to knock this guy over, She stinks like BO! Ugh! As she sat down a little child behind us said, "Mommy, where is the skunk?" You should have seen the eyes of the whore sitting across from me it was a sight! So we back away from the gate, get up in the air and about an hour into the flight, Pippi decides that she is hot now and wants to take off her tattered, patches at the elbow, tweed jacket. This is where I almost loose it! Underneath the jacket she is wearing 2 tank tops or maybe they where short sleeved shirts that used to have sleeves but the stank ate the sleeves off, I don't know. But every time she moved here comes a wave of BO! I'm telling you people are looking around and going what is that smell! I look over as she gets the jacket off, and WHAMO! Out comes the arm pit hair! And I'm not talking about some fine hair that you can't see until she lifts her arms. She looked like she had Ronald McDonald under each arm! I think once while I was trying to choke down my peanuts, something shot out of her arm pit and stole my peanuts! Must have been a rodent or something! So I start looking around for away to get rid of her! It must have been the altitude, because I remember thinking I I could just break out the window it would suck her nasty rearend out and then I could plug the hole with my belly until we landed! Stupid flight attendants! If they would have just listened they would have understood what I meant! Man those restraint straps hurt! I think I still have bruises on my arms! Anyways, Since Southwest wouldn't let me get rid of another hippy, Portland just got one hippy bigger! I hate this city! And that was my flight home!

11 Comments:

Blogger Insolublog said...

Hmm. See or smell any goofy hippies like this? I think we need to expand the profiling from middle eastern males to the tie dye set.

10:44 AM  
Anonymous jt said...

and then I could plug the hole with my belly until we landed!

Hahaha.

11:51 AM  
Blogger JoeCool1013 said...

"Anybody that doesn't look like an American gets the stinky eye from me!"
Get's the STINKY EYE?!?! What a visual!!
"That's right a red haired hippie"
I am offended by the "red hair" description!!
" She looked like she had Ronald McDonald under each arm!"
I can't believe you even looked!!!

12:39 PM  
Anonymous SK said...

Lol Ssssstevie! Glad you got home safely even if you were helping to transport hippies;)

1:14 PM  
Anonymous von said...

Anybody that doesn't look like an American gets the stinky eye from me!

I'm going to have to steal that one from you.

2:30 PM  
Anonymous FIAR said...

she had Ronald McDonald under each arm!

Ugggh!

2:59 PM  
Anonymous fmragtops said...

Getting the stink eye from sasquatch must be a pretty scary thing. Ha!

Sorry you had to ride with a hippy, bro. I have to go to Alaska in September, I don't have to ride with stinkin' pit-haired hippies. I think it's like a sixteen hour hour flight.

4:57 PM  
Anonymous linda said...

When you were asked if anyone was sitting there, you should've started singing I've been waiting for a girl like you! That might've freed up several seats!! haha

5:10 PM  
Blogger Wyatt Earp said...

Balding? Screw you hippie!!!

The important question is: DID YOU GET ANY PICTURES OF THE WHORE???

10:35 AM  
Anonymous Andy said...

Hey bro,

Wyatt has some choice comments for you on his blog. Hehehe. Might make your day!

8:34 AM  
Anonymous GunnNutt said...

Sssteve - you should get your license as an Air Marshall! The next time a stinky-smelly-pit hair festooned-hippy sits anywhere near you, make the call that he/she/it is a terrorist and BLAM! No more stink :)

9:37 AM  

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